Why do I do this though? Why do I feel I have to be always smiling and excited? Is it because I want to always be loved and accepted? Maybe. It feels like that is what my friends want from me. Someone who is always cracking jokes and giggling about the superficial. And they are so easy to fool.
But sometimes I even fool myself. I make myself believe I am this walking clown designed to make people laugh, but never showing the true me. Many of my friends think they know who I really am, but they don't. They don't see the tears of hurt or the battle scars that are hidden underneath, because of my beautifully painted blood red smile. I have missed out on being there for a friend who is hurting and sympathizing with a person who needed to hear my testimony, because my happiness is so hugely exaggerated, they don't think I can relate.
Now don't get me wrong, I think we as Christians should be happy smiling people. But God hasn't called us to be clowns for him, juggling balls, and cramming into a small car to make other people laugh and smile. He called us to be like Jesus. Jesus cried and wept sometimes. Many times he went away from his crowds of friends to just pray. But yet people still loved him and adored him. So maybe today when I go out, I will wash the red from my face and show the real me. Not caring if my scars show or if my face might frown a bit when someone says something that hurts me. I won't let this bloody clown smile define me. And you shouldn't either.